As a society, we are becoming obsessed with the topic of self-esteem. So many of us have long lists of the areas where we feel that we fall short of ideal. We are then downcast and have difficulty looking at ourselves in the mirror while exclaiming, "Way To Go!"
We are not born with the notion that we are unacceptable infants. We come into this world just needing acceptance, love, health so we can learn and grow, touch, sleep, nourishment, someone to snuggle with, security and understanding. When we are given all of the above, we emerge liking ourselves and assuming that others like us as well.
When we run into flaws in the above healthy system, however, we can become self-critical and unable to function happily. Let's take a look at those flaws and the things we can do to change our resulting low spirits.
1. Our relationship with our same-sex parent is a good place to start. Research tells us that when we achieve more than our same-sex parent, we can have a better opportunity to feel good about ourselves. On the other hand, when we achieve less than our same-sex parent, our feelings about ourselves start to sink. (Richard Fitzgibbons)
2. How do we compare ourselves to our peers? When our schoolmates are physicians, lawyers, and CPAs while we are working at more menial tasks, our pride in our abilities and our presentation to others decreases rapidly.
3. Was the early guidance that we received conditional? Did we get warm, loving attention if we were handsome, if we had great athletic ability, had high grades and were the focus of attention in groups of popular people?
If we did not get "Oscar Awards" in the above categories, our perceived positive attention may have been lacking and having conversations with ourselves that became negative self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, if you tell yourself that you are not very smart, you may avoid verbalizing your opinions in school. Consequently, people may conclude that you have nothing of value to say and, therefore, your unfavorable opinion of yourself in now confirmed.
HOW TO CHANGE AND BE MORE SELF CONFIDENT
1. Recognize your negative thoughts.
2. Look for reliable evidence to confirm whether these thoughts are true or untrue.
3. Recognize that just because you believe something, that belief does not make your conclusions accurate.
4. Replace negative self-talk by recognizing that the ideas in your brain are not always authentic.
5. If you want to become your best self, stop putting yourself down. When you stop becoming your own enemy, the more you will be able to reach your greatest potential.
"You've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens."
Louise Hay