My Spouse Cheated On Me Now What

When a client tells me that there has been cheating in a marriage, it generally refers to some kind of sexual behavior - usually intercourse - that has occurred outside of the marital relationship. At other times, an accusation does not involve sex. It involves a complaint that a partner has been sharing intimate feelings with someone outside of the marriage or has been discussing heartfelt, warm feelings with someone else.

Let's get to the "now what" part. Sometimes spouses will agree on what behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are not. The person who has felt wounded by the infidelity may try to forgive and strengthen the relationship. The partner who has been unfaithful will be encouraged to sincerely apologize for the pain caused. The wounded person may feel a need to repeat discussions of the resulting pain and the details of the liaison .....even when the unfaithful person says that "I am sick and tired of going over this over and over again." This is, unfortunately, part of the price paid for infidelity. Accepting apologies may be a long and arduous process. The partners can agree on a new set of values that define their marriage or, if all does not go so well, the partners may begin living separately and may ultimately divorce.

It is important that decisions made and actions taken reflect analysis and understanding. When one is a teenager, it is normal to feel a need for impulsive action. When one is old enough to marry, there is ability to season impulsivity with restraint.

If a couple decides that a marriage should be saved, relationship therapy is mandatory - as is an agreement that the affair will end immediately. If there is uncertainty in this regard, then therapy to review the ambivalence should occur. Individual therapy may also be advised to provide each partner the opportunity to explore feelings privately. Even if a couple decides to work on saving a relationship, complete openness may be initially premature.

The person who has felt wounded may feel a need to verify the future behavior of the unfaithful partner. This should be considered a reasonable request. It is another one of the prices paid for betrayal.

It is important for each person to determine what led to the breakup. If the things that caused the problem are not understood, they are likely to occur again with someone else. It is vital that, whatever the outcome, the issue should not be ignored.

Can marriage survive an affair? The complex answer is "yes." Will the marriage feel the same as it did prior to disloyalty? The complex answer is "no." It may feel scarred. It may feel better.

"Well, there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded."

Diana, Princess of Wales

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