STOP ARGUING

You may be arguing with your spouse, your friends, your co-workers or your family. It is helpful to identify why you are arguing. It can be helpful to argue. It is a good way to get your feelings out and assist with problem solving. There are productive ways to argue. There are also ways to argue that are not helpful. Let's look at how to make things better.

What are you arguing about? It may not be what you think. It could be an issue of control. It may also represent unresolved differences that have built up over time. As hard as it is, it is time to talk things over so that you can better understand any reasons for your quarrels. Pick a time for your discussion and start your meeting in as friendly a manner as possible.

Productive ways to argue...

1. Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. This will indicate that you are not blaming. Instead you are taking responsibility for your own feelings.
2. Try to see things from someone else's perspective other than your own. It's the old "two sides to every coin" symbol.
3. Pay attention to how your body feels. If you begin to feel excessively tense and heated, take a break. You don't want to say or do something that you will later regret.
4. Always consider compromising. If you insist on remaining rigid, you will get stuck in your own cement.

Unproductive ways to argue...

1. Do not totally withdraw. You will only frustrate the other person. This kind of stonewalling is seldom helpful.
2 Leave out personal criticisms that have little to do with the main subject of your current argument.
3. Leave out scorn and disrespect.
4. If your goal is to be right or to win, you will lose each time.

Explore dramatic changes in your life that may underlie your tendencies to quarrel. These may involve finances, health or life and death concerns. Addressing these life changes may reduce the intensity and frequency of your arguments. Get professional help to referee. Your former enemy may actually become your friend.

"Turn mirrors into windows."

Sydney Harris

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