It hurts to watch someone you love who is grieving a loss. You are likely to feel helpless, inadequate and quite distressed yourself. What do you say? When and how do you express yourself? There are things to do and things that you should not do.
DO NOT
1. Try to sound rational. Avoid saying that "This is for the best and everything will be ok." This kind of statement only offends others who will hear this as something that minimizes their pain. It will come across as though you are saying that pain is irrational. It is not. Pain is pain and it hurts like hell. Your companion is likely to be flooded with stress that will make it impossible to follow directions so please don't give a well-intentioned to-do list. There are no logical solutions to pain when someone's brain is flooded with stress-related hormones. Thinking clearly may be beyond the realm of possibility. Instead, work on identifying what your friend is feeling. This will help to create a sense of connection. This is called "targeted empathy." ( Dr. Mark Goulson.
DO:
1. Listen for extreme words such as awful, impossible, extreme and hate.
2. Pause for a while after the grieving one has finished speaking about something. This gives the impression that you are listening and considering everything seriously.
3. Ask questions about the use of extreme words. Examples would be, "Tell me more about hate."
4. Encourage expression of deeper emotions by asking someone to pick from your words that might describe how she might be feeling. You might, for example, offer to a heartbroken person, "Tell me more about what words can best describe you - Hurt? Angry? Heartbroken? Confused, Hopeless?" This will help you to keep the lines of communication open.
5. Once words are identified, suggest "Tell me more about that."
6. Ask about how the person may have handled similar situations in the past. This will help with recognition of a solution.
Stay in touch with, and manage, your own feelings. Stay calm if at all possible and remain curious about the issue that has caused the problem. Do refrain from trying to talk your companion out of what feelings are shared with you.
I am not suggesting that you be a therapist - just a good, helpful friend. Good friends help you find important things when you have lost them.