Half of American adults report feeling isolated and alone. This may be due to the loss of your spouse related to illness or a late-in-life divorce. There is also a new trend having to do with the social acceptance of living a single life. Even with the above demographic change, it can be extremely painful to change your life from being part of a couple to being single. Whatever your reason for being suddenly single, the pain of change will most likely feel heartbreaking and traumatic. When you try to start a new life, you will not only ache for the companionship you used to have; you will certainly miss the routines that accompanied a previous relationship. Even the word "previous" is difficult to consider. "It can't be happening."
Whether you have accepted your new status or not, you will have to deal with behavioral challenges that can feel painfully unexpected. You are not supposed to feel alone when you wake up in the morning. You are supposed to do your grocery shopping for a couple instead of trudging up and down the isles looking for single serving size products. Thinking about going out for dinner or seeing a movie without your companion takes you way out of your earlier comfort zone.
What to do now? Recognize that it will take you many, many months - possibly years - to becomes accustomed to your new normal. Don't tell yourself that you have to swiftly feel or behave in your earlier manner. Remember the Chinese philosophy that you "should not push the river. It flows by itself," It will take you time to deal with personal business and it should take you a significant amount of time if you do it wisely. You need long periods to grieve your loss before making big changes like moving to a new city or changing your career. Bella De Paulo, Ph.D. has suggested that "If some changes have to be made faster - such as moving out of a house after a divorce, look for ways to make those moves more temporary by taking on a short term lease or renting a room from a friend."
Now that you are alone, you don't have the pleasure of being concerned about someone else's well being. You are now making decisions by yourself. You may feel frightened and alone.
A time will come, however, when you want to begin building new relationships. This is a difficult task. You will not be invited to be at the same kinds of functions you attended when you were part of a couple. You will have the feeling that others ask to include you as a favor - not because your company is sincerely desired. There are occasions when this feeling is accurate. It will take you some period of time to trust your gut about social truths. There are support groups for people who are recently widowed or divorced. Joining some of these may help a bit - for a bit. You can't stop a gushing wound with a band-aid. As a survivor, I can promise you that that's the way it is. You will not feel immediately comfortable.
While you are healing, do spoil yourself. Buy fresh flowers for your table. Enjoy a fine meal at a special restaurant. Make your home-prepared meals more of a gourmet experience. You have always been entitled. You still are.
Volunteer your time. As a single person, you can do the things that married others no longer take the time to do. But, do what makes you feel good. Remember how the river flows by itself. When others offer to find new dates for you, don't forget that is is always alright to say "no." Let people know that you are focusing on yourself. Just as it is important to tell others that you want time alone, it is also important to tell them that you are ready to meet new friends.
This can be a changing day for you. You have a different comfort zone. "Today you close the door to the past, open the door to the future, take a deep breath, step on through and start a new chapter in your life."