Death

    I remember making plans for dinner - Hamburger Helper or something more creative and healthy? I remember making decisions about dill versus fresh pickles. I remember the most important arrangement of my day being the navy sweater or the red one. I remember learning how to play bridge with family and with other couples. I remember high school proms and goodnight kisses.
     But, whoever plans a real goodbye kiss, that final kiss that comes with the absolute knowledge that yesterday will never be tomorrow?
     My husband was sick - but not that sick. I had always convinced myself of that until I saw that car pull into the driveway...the one with the coroner's insignia on it. My children recognized it too. They had seen it on so many television programs. As they ran up the stairs crying, I was still telling myself that someone had made a mistake. A man with a suit and another one with a police uniform exited the car.
    "Your husband is dead....body found in his car....need you to come to identify the body." I do know I never did that. I couldn't walk. I couldn't talk.l I couldn't hear. And now, almost 40 years later, sometimes I still can't.
     Thank God for a brother who was able to do that for me. I don't remember calling my brother but I must have. That husband is dead. I don't remember picking out a coffin. I believe that one of my daughters did that.
     Moving on well truly is possible. I know that. I did, after all, maintain a therapy practice, raised 3 children and, many years later re-married a man I love dearly. I am doing it and you can too. You too have a brother or a sister and a pastor or a rabbi and an understanding family or community. You also do have a therapist who has been there.
     We must forever remember, though, a famous line from the movie, "I Never Sang for My Father." At its end a young man whose father had died reminded us all that "A death ends a life, but, it doesn't end a relationship."
     He was right, of course. I know that every time I walk down the pickle aisle in the grocery store and dab tears from my eyes. Yes, even today. They are not as big and don't last as long but they confirm how a relationship is never really over after the death of a loved one.
     Never.